We're Not in Kansas Anymore
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This section of the website is a nostalgic recollection of my first year experience. Special thanks
to Ryan King (the genius) for a majority of the pictures and even some of the whitty captioning.
I arrived at UVA in the Fall of 2001 momentarily single and ultra impressionable. I moved into Maupin
Dorm in the Alderman residence area:
Maupin had everything. Power mad RA's and Streamers to name a few. I quickly urinated on everything
in site, for obvious reasons. My Suite consisted of me and nine others, and was quite roomy:
Here's a picture of my tolerant roommate Aaron Miracle, with his stack of Bio study cards:
Among others, the cooler suitemates were Ryan King and Zane Johnson:
My RA's name was Hank, and considering his appearance, it is an appropriate name. He was
enrolled in a sperm donation study for much of the year, yum:
Here at UVA, you quickly learn that attending football games is far more important than attending
classes. Before games, us Maupenites would frequently perform strange rituals like hair coloring
and the like:
The person doing the hair work is Nick Byram, a suitemate and good friend of mine. I'm coming
down the stairs with my wife (ie lacrosse stick). I played lax back then and was pretty damn good. More
on that later. We soon left for the game and had nowhere to sit:
However, we soon found a place and watched our big people beat up Duke's big
people. We got a great picture in at the end of the game. I'm next to Nick toward the bottom. Notice
John Wunderlin at the top left:
You may notice some people have band-aids on their heads. They are retarded. Actually it was
also the first day of dorm-wide assassins and that was the immunity. Being as absent minded as i am,
I was the first to die, within 4 minutes of the game's beginning. It ended up going on for two months
with Nick winning. He's lucky I went out so fast.
Although football is entertaining, it cannot compare to the intensity of Virginia club lacrosse. I
immediately began starting on faceoffs for UVA and scored about a goal per game for my first semester:
I'm number 28, and in the top picture, I am the one who just got rid of the ball and is about
to be flattened. The bottom picture was in the yearbook for first year. Here's a picture of the entire
I'm second from the left on the bottom row. Here's a picture taken after Thanksgiving of
my suitemates and I. I'm the one with the beautiful face:
The others I have yet to acknowledge are Dan and Ahmet. Dan's from England and picks up
chicks with his amazing accent. He once taught me to say 'Get ya coat luv, ya pulled' which never
worked for me. Here's a picture of me abducting my then girlfriend Jill:
People thought we were crazy... I wonder why. Jill's hobbies included being obnoxious like me,
and putting holes in the wall of my suite. Before Christmas, Nick obtained a Game Cube. He then
did not shower for days and missed a nearly infinite number of classes:
Remember the picture of Aaron with his 11" stack of Bio study cards? Well that was taken
around finals time. Not being shy, I whipped out mine as well:
Although mine only measured 4.5", I had significantly more girth, which is all that matters,
according to women. Anyway, thanks to my intrepid studying efforts, the semester ended appropriately...
Winter break was amazing. Jill and I took a trip to Ft. Myers Florida and had a blast. However,
UVA's absence left a void in our lives that needed refilling. Nick got a girlfriend too, her name
is Alexandra. Here's us enjoying Nick's Nintendo soon after break:
I once kicked Nick out of his own room so I could play on his Nintendo with Jill.
Nick then obtained a pair of sticky hand thingies and proceeded to attack me immediately upon my exit.
Well you wouldn't believe it, but I brought a bit of Rochester down to UVA with me upon my return:
This is a shot of UVA's 'The Lawn' with the Pavilions on either side and the Rotunda at the end.
The best part is that its covered in snow.
Homer sits in the middle and molests a boy for all eternity.
This is a shot of my dorm taken from the quad (the grassy area flanked by three dorms in
Alderman residences). Look at all the fabulous snow.
Here's the amphitheater covered in awesome snow.
doesn't it look a lot better with snow? I think it does.
Here's a waffle covered in snow. Maybe.
If any of you were ever UVA first years, you'd understand the awesomeness of the waffle.
In the winter months, the only activity worth doing is attending basketball games. Even though we
haven't made the tournament in the two seasons I've witnessed, there have been some high points. This
is one of them:
87-84 UVA victory over Duke University. 'nuff said. The person in the first picture on the bottom left isn't me, but Ewan, another english dude who lived in the suite next to mine.
Now we are going to venture a look at some of the stupidest fucking things I've ever seen
at the University of Virginia. The first is by far the most hilarious:
This sign was found on the INSIDE of the doors to Memorial Gymnasium. If you are confused,
you should be. Here's an excerpt from Ryan's website:
'There are some pretty bad ways to find out someone is gay. Iíd say a bad way to find out about the homosexuality of the guy youíve been working out with all semester is to unload your camera and find heís been checking out your package in those workout pants. Just for conformation: yes, Colin James Parker is amazingly gay. Sorry Jill, but how can you compete? But hey, congratulations on his breaking into the mafia money laundering business! I understand he gets over $50 of tax-free profit from each high-end graphics card he sells. He doesnít know that itís a mafia person who hijacked a truck full of computer equipment, but it seems someone in Ft. Lauderdale came upon a few dozen brand new GeForce 3ís that they want to unload at about half their market value. That this person also wants to deal in cash fits in somewhere, but I canít quite place it. So Colinís been sharking Ebay with a couple boxes of equipment he got significantly below retail, or wholesale for that matter; if you want any great reasonably priced hardware get in touch. Definitely the best part of that business is the part where he gives me his old GeForce 2 Ultra as scrap. I donít know about you boys and girls, but for a free Ge2 Ultra to replace my old TNT2 I can deal with a lot of homosexuality.'
That about sums up my money making scheme for the Spring. I made about $1500 doing almost nothing, except reselling stolen goods.
Another stupid but hilarious thing was this fetus we found scewered in our Suite window:
Again, Ryan offers us an explanation:
'During the big pro-life group push, one of the protest stands brought out a trashcan full of 3500 plastic 12 week old fetuses to show us all how horrible it is. The can said that we should ďtake someĒ and that they wanted to be Ďadopted.í Who can turn down a bunch of free fetuses? After I brought back a half dozen or so aspiring plastic people, somebody decided a logical extension of the protest would be to skewer a few on coat hangers and put them in the window. The funny part was the reactions we got: pro-lifers who put the whole fetus show on to begin with had to agree, and pro-choicers interpreted it as a statement to screw the fetuses. I always just thought it was a valuable safety lesson: never keep rusty coat hangers and fetuses together.'
Forward to Summer 2002
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